Grief Has No Rules

grief has no rules


I can remember when I was going through a difficult time, it was definitely a period of grief, one day I received a message from a well-meaning friend. She explained to me that what I was doing was not good and that I should really consider stopping. She was referring to the fact that I was publicly posting (albeit without naming names or specifics) on this, my blog, about my pain.  In the first post I made during this period I acknowledged that my family would probably hate at that moment that I am a writer. I use writing as a way to get my emotions out, it is a vehicle for me to get to a better place. I know I am not the only writer that does this, it is a very therapeutic process.  And I was not going to stop. I told her so and we had a back and forth on the subject and then we didn’t. I tried my best to be accepting of her advice, and I loved her for loving me enough to reach out.

I want to say here, before I get started on my thoughts, this in no way is a reflection on the person who reached out to me. I use that story as an example of my experience. And that is all. She is a beautiful person and very caring. Just because we do not agree with how to approach this topic, that does not mean it is a reflection on her. It is a reflection of my opinions on the subject. That is all. I love that we all have differing opinions; it gives me something to talk about!

Having said that I want to say that grief has no rules, and grief comes for many reasons. When we lose a person through a loss of trust through the loss of a relationship, this too is a loss that we will grieve for. While it is not the same as a death, it is a loss none the less, that will be grieved.

Now if we acknowledge that this is a grief that needs to be moved through I do not think it is right for anyone to tell another how to grieve or for how long. Now there is a caveat to that in so much as if a loved one is staying in grief for such a long period that it is destroying the quality of their life or the life of others, it is probably proper to give a nudge. But when we nudge we certainly should not approach the person by telling them what they are doing is wrong. We need to empathize with them as best we can. Put ourselves in their shoes and treat them as we would want to be treated in the same situation. And be patient. In my opinion we need to approach the subject in a careful way.

The grieving process for a loss of a relationship versus a death will be very different. We are all smart enough to recognize this difference so I need not go into detail. But we do need to respect that the person going through the loss of the relationship is grieving and we need to give them time and if we feel they are doing things that may hurt them in the long run we need to realize that they are not us.  We are all responsible for our own actions.  Maybe offer the suggestion that they may regret their actions but then let it go. Do not use too many words, let the truth sink in on its own accord. In my opinion that will work far better than trying to persuade someone in grief that what they are doing is hurtful.

And that is my thought for the day! ❤  <———- my thought…my opinion….   ❤



Step Back………But Not Out!



Today I write about a “friends” perception of……..friendship!

I watch people, I like to watch people, I’m always amazed at how offended one can get when the truth is brought to their attention. The truth about what type of friend they are. This truth is not brought about by confrontation, rather it is brought about by another friend taking a step back from what they consider a less than balanced relationship; and the first friend noticing the “step back”.

In this particular scenario we have two friends; you (one friend) spend time nurturing your relationship with the other person or “friend”, why? Because you care about this person, you feel they are your friend and as such you cultivate a friendship. The word friendship may be defined in many ways by many people, and have varying degrees of relationship…. but I think we can all agree that when you get down to it, a friend in the broad sense, is someone with whom you share a relationship on some level.  That is about as basic a description as you can get. 🙂

What if after months or even years you seem to be the only one in the relationship who calls, writes, or seems to care about the other and you finally decide it is time to let go of the “friendship”.  is that OK?  YES.  BUT….and here is the rub …..when you do stop texting, calling, whatever….. the other person may get upset and declare you a bad friend!  It is their perception that you are being difficult, or whatever the case may be, and they get extremely offended that you are so unreasonable.

I have to say I see this a lot! So much so that I have arrived at this conclusion; when it comes to people we have to know when to take a step back and give them their space (without making any public declarations)  and be ready for anything!  And when and if they declare us as being a “bad” friend for not communicating (even though they NEVER replied to us) we have to be big enough to know this is just one of their weaknesses (character flaws??) and let it go! Move on. And I don’t mean move on out of their life. That is not necessary! Unless they are abusive, which is not what I am talking about here, there is no reason to banish people from our lives; just because they do not fit our mold of how a friend should communicate! We have to love people enough to not let this bother us. Have no expectations and you will never be disappointed!

I used to be of the mind that it was best to move on and forget these types of “friends”.  Now I am of the mind that all we can do is love people for who they are, faults and all, and if we truly do come from a place of love we can stop texting, calling, and chasing (nothing wrong with that!)  Then when they come around wondering why we are no longer “chasing” after their friendship (why we are such a bad friend)…..just love them enough to look beyond it and say ” I didn’t realize this was happening…of course I would love to meet for coffee!” and let it go.

I do not think we should ever lose a friendship or a “friendship” because of someones lack of consideration and nurturing. I do think we should not chase after them; because that will do nothing for our self-esteem!  What we need to do is after a while let it go and let them work on it; let them miss you. IF it is meant to be they will come to you; and yes they will more than likely say you are the neglectful friend….it is human nature to blame and wear blinders. We do not need to care about all that….just enjoy what time we have with each person we know….when they allow us to!  And again…..lose the expectations!  😉

Just because we are willing to do so much for others, does not mean they will do the same. We can’t expect others to be US.  Get over it. Love them anyway……

And don’t sweat the small stuff! If this is the worst of it…..then count our blessings! 😉

Love Without Limits!

The Good, the bad, and the ugly! This is a fitting term to use in reference to relationships. Don’t you think? There are those relationships that are good, the ones that are not so good (bad) and the ones that are down right ugly!  So what of them? We all have them. I am no more unique than you….I’ve had good and bad relationships. I’ve had some friends for life and some friends for short periods of time. I have had family come and go (the BY LAW kind) and I have family that I will never know or maybe never get along with.  Sound familiar? Of course it does! At the base we are all the same. The way we deal with things may be different but we can sit around and talk about these things and resonate with each other till the cows come home!  Why is that?

I believe the reason we are all the same, in this respect, is because we are spiritual beings living a human life. All of us. How we choose to embrace that fact is where the differences lie. Some of us embrace it whole-hearted and continue to grow, and learn, our whole lives! Some of us come half way, living a spiritual life but always riding the fence as to what we really understand! And then some of us choose the path which leads us away from any kind of spiritual knowledge; we choose to denounce the divine and believe it is all a fairytale created by man to help us feel better.

For those of us who ride the fence or embrace it with our whole heart; we know, or at least are open for the lesson, that there is a reason for everything that happens in this life. Including the people in our life!

When we are in a relationship with someone who rubs us wrong, who always knows how to push those buttons, or who even is just downright nasty….there are lessons to be learned; even if only to never be the way that person is. We don’t know what  the future brings….maybe a situation is going to arise where we could want to behave in a certain way, but now we will not!! Why? Because we have had the first hand experience of being on the receiving end of someone acting in the way with which we are now wanting to act ourselves.  Does that make sense?  Relationships are usually about looking in the mirror.   When things are going well they are wonderful and we find it so easy to love that person; but when things get dicey and our expectations are dashed….it gets hard to love them, it gets hard to even talk to them. Seeing others behave in ways that we behave (but deny) is very uncomfortable!  But those are the times we need to pay attention. What are they doing? Does it in any way shed a light on areas of our life that we do not like? Areas we ignore but know we should change? A lot of the time the answer is yes to that question….but not always. Sometimes it is just that this person is being mean (in a way you would never act) but there is still a lesson….it is either reinforcing our thought that we do not want to act this way…ever, or it could be a lesson in unconditional love. Or love in general. Sometimes we just need to be reminded to love someone through the bad times. Lose all expectations and let them move forward. And don’t try to manipulate the outcome.

I could go on and on…but I wont. Because the bottom line is simply…love without limits and be willing to learn from our relationships.  There are good relationships, bad relationships, and ugly relationships….be grateful for all and love all. Embrace the lessons to be learned from each;even if that lesson is teaching us to change something in our own life. And accept that sometimes a relationship is not intended to last for long…but it is always intended for a purpose.  And we should always be grateful for them ALL.