I think I will tackle this issue of “2019” in bits and pieces. It is just too much for me to handle talking about it all at once.
First things first…… in the span of three years both of my older brothers, my only siblings, passed away. Both of them were just past their 59th birthday and both died of Cancer. And Rick, the one who passed in 2019, died 14 days before Robert, the other brothers, 3rd year anniversary of his passing. It is a lot. Extra, extra doses of sad.
So my brother Rick and I were extremely close in our 20’s….. very close. He was one of my best friends. I always looked forward to his calls. He would call regardless of where he was in the world. He was in the Navy and always jetting around from here to there. I loved when he was in town and he would come see me and the kids. He was there for the birth of my youngest…… he really wanted to be there for one of them and with Patrick he was in town. So he was there. I have pictures of him holding Patrick when he was born. These were special times because he was always gone somewhere else in the world.
In late 1987 Rick moved to Japan and got married but we stayed connected via the phone. But after that we didn’t get to see each other much. Then he moved to Oregon, I went to visit him there….and then to Texas, and of course I went to visit him there. After that we saw each other as often as possible, not nearly enough! But the year before he got sick we were able to see him twice! He spent a few weeks with us in Florida in May and then again in Oct 2018.
Okay, so I am rambling…..I honestly just don’t want to get to the meat of this, the issue that I am really having. After I brush away all the BS that goes along with the passing of a loved one…… Ya know we all grieve in our own personal and unique way. There is no right or wrong; it is what it is. And it is all okay. I don’t think my issues are really with the grieving process. I was pretty typical going through all the stages of grief- denial,anger (I stayed here for a long time!), bargaining,depression and acceptance. So for me it was all about anger and depression. I’ve still got a lot of each, but it is getting better. The one year anniversary of his death is June 21, 2020.
So ya know what my real issues are? Okay, so it is really selfish and narcissistic…. but, I am deeply messed up over the fact that both of my siblings passed away at 59 and I am 58 this year. Does that make sense? They both passed from cancer. One from colon the other from pancreatic. One took 8 years to pass the other 3 months. Rick passed so damn fast my head is still spinning. Diagnosed 3/28 passed 6/21. Not enough time to wrap our heads around it. It kills me thinking of how fast it happened for him and his wife. No time!! Anyway…..at some point, a few months after he passed, it occurred to me that both my brothers were 59…. and died from cancer. It just sort of got in my head and I can’t seem to shake it. I do not want to be negative but it is really in my head! I have become so depressed about it. I feel like my life is over….but rather than grabbing life by the tail and living it up…..I am depressed. I think I am willing myself to die. I need to bring myself out of this. I know I have the tools, and I can do the work, but I can’t shake the thought that I am going to die sometime between July 2021 and July 2022, my 59th year.
I doubt anybody will read this. I am just getting it off my chest. How do you talk to anyone about this? I have mentioned it to my husband but he just doesn’t know what to say other than “no, that wont happen” lol And honestly, what should anyone say? What could they say? And is there anything in the entire world that could be said, or done for me, that will actually help me get past this? No, I do not think so. You would have to be Psychic to help me and then you would have to tell me I am wrong. lol So short of this happening, I know it is up to me. That is why I am here, hoping by getting it off my chest it will be a first step in the right direction.
If anybody does read this- thanks for listening!