Grief Has No Rules

grief has no rules


I can remember when I was going through a difficult time, it was definitely a period of grief, one day I received a message from a well-meaning friend. She explained to me that what I was doing was not good and that I should really consider stopping. She was referring to the fact that I was publicly posting (albeit without naming names or specifics) on this, my blog, about my pain.  In the first post I made during this period I acknowledged that my family would probably hate at that moment that I am a writer. I use writing as a way to get my emotions out, it is a vehicle for me to get to a better place. I know I am not the only writer that does this, it is a very therapeutic process.  And I was not going to stop. I told her so and we had a back and forth on the subject and then we didn’t. I tried my best to be accepting of her advice, and I loved her for loving me enough to reach out.

I want to say here, before I get started on my thoughts, this in no way is a reflection on the person who reached out to me. I use that story as an example of my experience. And that is all. She is a beautiful person and very caring. Just because we do not agree with how to approach this topic, that does not mean it is a reflection on her. It is a reflection of my opinions on the subject. That is all. I love that we all have differing opinions; it gives me something to talk about!

Having said that I want to say that grief has no rules, and grief comes for many reasons. When we lose a person through a loss of trust through the loss of a relationship, this too is a loss that we will grieve for. While it is not the same as a death, it is a loss none the less, that will be grieved.

Now if we acknowledge that this is a grief that needs to be moved through I do not think it is right for anyone to tell another how to grieve or for how long. Now there is a caveat to that in so much as if a loved one is staying in grief for such a long period that it is destroying the quality of their life or the life of others, it is probably proper to give a nudge. But when we nudge we certainly should not approach the person by telling them what they are doing is wrong. We need to empathize with them as best we can. Put ourselves in their shoes and treat them as we would want to be treated in the same situation. And be patient. In my opinion we need to approach the subject in a careful way.

The grieving process for a loss of a relationship versus a death will be very different. We are all smart enough to recognize this difference so I need not go into detail. But we do need to respect that the person going through the loss of the relationship is grieving and we need to give them time and if we feel they are doing things that may hurt them in the long run we need to realize that they are not us.  We are all responsible for our own actions.  Maybe offer the suggestion that they may regret their actions but then let it go. Do not use too many words, let the truth sink in on its own accord. In my opinion that will work far better than trying to persuade someone in grief that what they are doing is hurtful.

And that is my thought for the day! ❤  <———- my thought…my opinion….   ❤



2 thoughts on “Grief Has No Rules

  1. A friend of mine was telling me about her divorce then turned to me and apologized saying, “your pain is worse than mine”…I quickly told her, no it is not – her pain is as real to her as mine is to me….her grief is as deep. We were both grieving suffering a loss of someone we loved. For her it has been 4 yrs since her husband left and for me 3 yrs since mine passed away…we both growing spiritually and moving in the right direction. Grief comes in so many different ways – but also the same – the pain runs very deep indeed. Beautiful post.

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