I find it so interesting (and maybe a wee bit narcissistic) to assume our plight in life is the only plight out there! Ours is the worst…Ours is the saddest…. Ours is the hardest to get past….Ours is…yada,yada,yada……… I don’t think we really (not all of us) believe this is true, it is just how we sound as we tell people our story. If asked I don’t think most people would say “yeah, nobody has been through what I have been through” although I do think a lot of people could say (if only to themselves), ” My life was hard, you can’t possibly understand! Harder than you can imagine! Harder than you want to know!” I don’t know if I ever thought that about my life.
When I think back on my life, I feel it was most unremarkable, although if I sit down and tell someone details, the look on their face tells me it was anything but unremarkable. OK, so I am not that naïve! I know it
was a tragic, is a tragic story…..on so many levels, so many people hurt…in so many ways,I get that, but I still have this apathy when I sit and think about it. And that is something I used to do often. I used to think about it a lot. And I guess I used to have anger about it; towards a few different people,well, I guess many people. I never realized I was holding it all in, covering it all up behind that wall of apathy. I never realized how much it was blocking me from living my life. I really didn’t.
It took years and circumstances to begin to wake up to what my story meant to me, to my journey, to my connection to God.
I started my journey back in 2007, the journey that took me through those memories of my past, the journey that led me to awareness and then to forgiveness. It was not an easy journey, but it was a necessary one. During the process of this journey I chose, several years later, to let go of my past. I make no apologies for not wanting to dwell in my past….to not want to blame others for what has happened, or to let my past define me, or allow me to be less than the person I’m meant to be. And yes, I am still apathetic about my past, but I processed through it and now I don’t think of it as apathetic as much as I think of it as accepting, loving, forgiving; and I am good with that!
Along my journey I have learned to wake up each morning and say “thank you” and I tell myself it is my choice today to be happy or sad, to be filled with joy or angst. Each day, at some point, I will think for a moment or two about something that has transpired and I realize this will be my defining moment for the day. Who will I be? The me who is less than…..or the best me I can be? Today this is how my day is spent, in quiet contemplation wondering what makes me tick, what will help this or that situation, how can I help someone else, and so on……..
Just for clarification….I do not post things to point fingers at anyone, I post things because they are my feelings and I write…it is what I do. But it seems even if my post is talking about me and my life, some people look beyond that and feel I am pointing fingers at their life (maybe this is a normal phenomenon in writing?). Some people feel I am talking about them, and quite frankly (sometimes) I’m mystified by this since I do not really have a relationship with some of these people…. and well, it is odd that they would truly think I am “picking on them”. On more than one occasion I have had people ask me why I was talking about them or make angry comments towards me because of what I said. Let me be clear…these are my opinions…if they hurt you in any way that was not my intention. This is about me…. my life, my feelings. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is not about you. When I write, I write randomly, usually prompted by something I have read or seen on TV, or am currently studying. And when I say read I mean in a book; so unless you are an author it probably isn’t about you. And even if it were….I am not passing judgement, I am reflecting on who I am and who I want to be. I speak of my motivators as well as my goals. Truly…I will say it again…this has nothing to do with you. IF you think it does that is on you.
And I will also say that when I do write things I do my best to do so in love. If I fail at that and my opinions disturb your peace in any way, yes, please let me know, because it is not my goal to make anyone uncomfortable or to feel less than encouraged for being who they are.