Co-dependents dislike disorder! And they dislike anyone, who they see, as being the cause of disorder in their life. I say “they see” meaning others may not see it the same way…..it doesn’t matter; it is how they see it and that is what matters. Co-dependency is after all about the co-dependent person, although you might think it is about the person with whom they are co-dependent. It is but not really. Co-dependency shows up in all aspects…..personal, work, social…..not just with a spouse or child. And the common denominator is the co-dependent person. It really is about them.
I have always thought co-dependency was more about say….a spouse, or boyfriend, maybe a child; but truly it is the way a person is with every situation and every person in their life. Even the way they are at work; and it destroys relationships….it breeds mistrust. Being a co-dependent person takes away the one thing that will create a good sense of trust in a relationship…..free will. The act of co-dependency does not allow others any freedom to be themselves! A co-dependent takes away another persons free will!
And the co-dependent person is a tired person! Show me a co-dependent and I will show you a person who is carrying the burdens of the world on their shoulders! By choice! They do not need to! As a matter of fact those in their life usually wish they wouldn’t! We have to allow others to carry their own weight! We should not do for others that which they are capable to do for themselves!
A co-dependent always knows what is best for others. Their way is the best and correct way. They believe by doing things their way (the correct way) there will be a sense of order in their life and the life of others…..even though their life is anything but orderly. But of course…that is because you will not do things their way. 🙂
Co-dependents do for others because this gives their life validation. AND Co-dependents do not make good listeners! As much as a co-dependent is all about helping “fix” others they DO NOT LISTEN! How can you truly help anyone if you are always waiting your turn to tell someone why you think you can change their life or what they are doing wrong and how you can fix it? etc…..
Co-dependent tendencies can be changed……with recognition, acceptance, and willingness to do so. (I know there are extenuating circumstances at times…so please do not get upset that I am making a blanket statement; I’m not.) But generally speaking we can start making changes right away if we want to!
So what can we do to help ourselves? First of all learn to love ourselves! We need to love who we are enough to know that we are capable of letting go of control of others……learn to let others make their own decisions and mistakes!
We need to learn to recognize in ourselves the things we can change and want to change. And the desire to do so is huge on the list of how to create change! We must have the desire to change and we can! Evaluate our life…..take inventory of our relationships…..all of them…personal, social, work, and see if there is drama…or is it a productive, mutually satisfying, relationship that includes trust? And if it’s not; do we always blame others for the problems? These could be clues to the fact that we have a problem with communicating….that is a start.
Start with the baby step of loving yourself enough to take an honest look at your relationships. Start there! I did this hard work a few years ago….and I’m not gonna lie; it may be hard! But it is so worth it! Once you see what you do to others, once you see it from their viewpoint, and you take this look from a place of love……it is much easier to make the changes!
There is so much we could talk about on this subject….wow… I guess that is because we all can be a little co-dependent at times. I think it is about the way we handle it, when we see ourselves doing it, that matters!
And don’t be so hard on yourself! Habits are hard to break! You got to get those neurons firing off in different directions…build new patterns….it takes time, but it is possible and maybe it wont take as long as you may think! So do it!