Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.
Losing someone close to you causes grief. That loss can be by death or it can be by severance of a relationship, by agreement or by force. Whether your loss is that of death or that of a parting of ways…..grief still exists.
This is a long necessary baring of my soul. I need a cleansing……..if you hang on till the end good for you! And thank you! If you couldn’t do it….that is OK too! This is for me. I understand!
When speaking in terms of a parting of ways, whether you are responsible for the parting or whether you did not want it, there will be grief. Until the grief happens there will be other emotions to deal with.
I woke up today after having had a particularly bad night, unfortunately these nights are becoming more and more familiar to me. I thought I had things under control, then the insomnia started again a few weeks ago. I guess things were not in control. I had no idea what could be causing the problems I was experiencing…things are good! I mean really good! Why in the world am I experiencing these feelings of unworthiness, loss, pain? Why am I feeling a mental block where creativity and success should be flowing? I say should be because I am in a good place and things are really falling into place. So why? How is it that I find myself in this dark place…yet again?
Last night God and I had a long talk at 2:30 in the morning! As you can imagine, or maybe you can’t, it was a very emotional, one-sided conversation, filled with anger, pain, and frustration! Anger that I am here again, pain that I am here again, and frustration that I am here again! It felt hopeless, it felt like a tunnel filled with blackness! A blackness so dark and so deep that I could not see a way out. Yeah….that about sums it up! And then…..after an hour or so of beating my worthless A@@ up I fell asleep. Hey……I am just keeping it real here! I felt pretty worthless at the moment. I did. As I am sure you can relate to on some level.
This morning when I awoke I was grateful to have to go out and tend to my chickens, it gave me something that forced me to get out of bed for. And I am happy to say even this morning when my feel hit the ground I was grateful and I said thank you to Him. So out I went to tend to the girls…and it was good. I spent a few extra minutes cleaning and feeding. It was good. There I am out in the run in my nightgown with my Uggs on feeding my chicks. Good stuff! The comedy of it made me laugh! Good to laugh. I then went back in and watched my DVR, caught up on one show. Only one, I could not afford to allow myself more than that or it may turn into an all day event. So I got out of bed, went upstairs, and looked around. One of the things I am mad at myself about is the lack of organization in my home at the moment! So I decided that I should tackle that and tackle it I did!
At 1pm I realized not only had I not taken any of my supplements for the morning, but I had not even eaten a thing, nothing. I got a lot of work done though, I cleared out a few years worth of bills and mail that did not need to be kept any longer. As I was going through these things I ran across the card that is pictured above, it is a birthday card from, as you can read, my
best friend. Oh wait…not my best friend, well at the time she liked to call herself that but she wasn’t and isn’t anymore. Can you sense some sarcasm or animosity? Me too! So when I ran across this card, which was from my birthday last year in July, I read it and it really caused me to stop and think…which is what has led me to this post.
I would like to take a moment and say that if you are a reader of my blog you probably know that I’m usually very upbeat! I will spin anything to be a good thing! I don’t want you to feel that I’m lost, or that I’m showing a side that I have tried to cover up. Nothing so sinister is going on here. I’m just being very truthful with you and letting you see a bit of my world that is not perfect. You all need to see me as I am, who I am….. not as I (or anyone else) wants you to see me. Just me…plain and simple. Flawed and not perfect, and able to be hurt. I want you to experience with me how to get past something that I consider a grave injustice and that the other person thinks is no big deal. We all have pain and I don’t want to hide mine from anyone, maybe it will help someone. SO lets move on…..
I realized as I read the card what hypocrisy it was! And I realized as I read it that I never dealt with the way this person made me feel. As I said in the beginning, a loss is a loss, and we have to grieve! I had not allowed myself to grieve the loss of someone who I considered the closest person to me, at the time. So I decided it was time and I wrote her an email with the picture above attached. I have recreated that email for you here, this is not the original because I deleted that ( or I think I did, I can’t find it!) so just consider this the email I would send if I were going to! It says all that is necessary.
Please do not worry, I am not contacting you to be friends again. I am contacting you because I ran across this card you gave to me on my birthday last year and it made me aware of three things that I want to share with you.
1)Boy a lot can happen in one year!
2) When reading this I came to realize that I had not allowed myself to grieve the loss of our friendship and I also realized just what a mean-spirited person you are and that not only do I need to grieve but I need to be thankful and never forget the lessons I learned from the experience.
3) I realized how much I have grown in my confidence since we knew each other. I realize what a good friend I am to my family and friends. Those I hold closest. I would never do to them what you did to me and for that realization I am grateful. I realized I treat people well and if they make mistakes, as we all do, if they irritate me, annoy me, frustrate me, I will never walk away from them, I will always be there for them. My love is unconditional…I do not just say it I live it. I walk that walk! I am proud of that fact. And reading this card brought that full force home to me.
I find it mostly interesting to think about the fact that you chose the time when my husbands mother was dying to decide that you needed space from me. When my family went through the death of my mother in law I grew so much closer to a handful of friends and family…not you. You left. And that tells a big story!
I have the same friends I have had for years, for the years since I started my spiritual journey, the same friends. We have had our ups and downs, we have had our moments, but we all still love each other. I have found a group of people who love unconditionally, as I do. And they truly do. You do not belong in that group. Your love had many strings attached. They are now severed, not by my choosing but I am thankful none the less.
I have thought many times over the last year what I would do if we saw each other in a public place ( as I know we have just missed each other at least once) and up until now I always thought I would take the opportunity to bridge the gap and move forward in a relationship if you so wanted. I now realize….I do not want that. I am good with being cordial to each other. I am good, finally, with not having you in my life. It may not have been my decision to sever the relationship but it will always be my decision to stay away from it in the future.
I wish you well. “sis”
I have learned through my studies that it is important to grieve. If we do not grieve we will stay stuck. I think that is what has happened to me. I never took the time to grieve this relationship, this loss. I was so stuck in the “whys'” although I consciously wasn’t, I consciously had moved on many months ago. I even reached out to this person to congratulate her on something and when I did it I believed 100% that it was sincere and I felt nothing except happy for another persons achievement. But festering below the surface was grief! Deep dark polluted need to get out grief! And so it started manifesting itself into insomnia, anger, frustration! When it needs to get out it will get out. In cases like these I would say write a letter (I did) to the person(s) telling them all that needs to be said. Get it out and it is not necessary to mail this letter but it is necessary to process it somehow…a burning ritual is a good way to get rid of it. But for now I’ve decided the best thing I could do is to write about it and post it. I am mad! I want it gone! And this is very cathartic!
Thank you for listening! I feel good. Now I am going to print this and burn it! Time to move on…100% this time!
***you may wonder where the forgiveness is. Well….that happened already. I forgave a long time ago. Apparently my subconscious did not get the memo!
And if you are wondering why this is so one-sided, I mean it takes two to tango right?!?! Well…I would LOVE to apologize and ask forgiveness of this person for something I did to her! But I was never told I did anything…..she never said a word. So I can’t.