Bits and Pieces….

I think I will tackle this issue of “2019” in bits and pieces. It is just too much for me to handle talking about it all at once.

First things first…… in the span of three years both of my older brothers, my only siblings, passed away. Both of them were just past their 59th birthday and both died of Cancer.  And Rick, the one who passed in 2019, died  14 days before Robert, the other brothers, 3rd year anniversary of his passing.  It is a lot. Extra, extra doses of sad.

So my brother Rick and I were extremely close in our 20’s….. very close. He was one of my best friends. I always looked forward to his calls. He would call regardless of where he was in the world. He was in the Navy and always jetting around from here to there.  I loved when he was in town and he would come see me and the kids. He was there for the birth of my youngest…… he really wanted to be there for one of them and with Patrick he was in town.  So he was there.  I have pictures of him holding Patrick when he was born.  These were special times because he was always gone somewhere else in the world.

In late 1987 Rick moved to Japan and got married but we stayed connected via the phone. But after that we didn’t get to see each other much.  Then he moved to Oregon, I went to visit him there….and then to Texas, and of course I went to visit him there. After that we saw each other as often as possible, not nearly enough! But the year before he got sick we were able to see him twice!  He spent a few weeks with us in Florida in May and then again in Oct 2018.

Okay, so I am rambling…..I honestly just don’t want to get to the meat of this, the issue that I am really having. After I brush away all the BS that goes along with the passing of a loved one……  Ya know we all grieve in our own personal and unique way. There is no right or wrong; it is what it is. And it is all okay.  I don’t think my issues are really with the grieving process. I was pretty typical going through all the stages of grief- denial,anger (I stayed here for a long time!), bargaining,depression and acceptance.  So for me it was all about anger and depression.  I’ve still got a lot of each, but it is getting better.  The one year anniversary of his death is June 21, 2020.

So ya know what my real issues are?  Okay, so it is really selfish and narcissistic…. but, I am deeply messed up over the fact that both of my siblings passed away at 59 and I am 58 this year.  Does that make sense?  They both passed from cancer. One from colon the other from pancreatic.  One took 8 years to pass the other 3 months.  Rick passed so damn fast my head is still spinning.  Diagnosed 3/28 passed 6/21.  Not enough time to wrap our heads around it.  It kills me thinking of how fast it happened for him and his wife.  No time!!  Anyway…..at some point, a few months after he passed, it occurred to me that both my brothers were 59…. and died from cancer. It just sort of got in my head and I can’t seem to shake it. I do not want to be negative but it is really in my head! I have become so depressed about it. I feel like my life is over….but rather than grabbing life by the tail and living it up…..I am depressed. I think I am willing myself to die. I need to bring myself out of this. I know I have the tools, and I can do the work, but I can’t shake the thought that I am going to die sometime between July 2021 and July 2022, my 59th year.

I doubt anybody will read this. I am just getting it off my chest. How do you talk to anyone about this?  I have mentioned it to my husband but he just doesn’t know what to say other than “no, that wont happen”  lol   And honestly, what should anyone say? What could they say? And is there anything in the entire world that could be said, or done for me, that will actually help me get past this?  No, I do not think so. You would have to be Psychic to help me and then you would have to tell me I am wrong. lol  So short of this happening, I know it is up to me. That is why I am here, hoping by getting it off my chest it will be a first step in the right direction.

If anybody does read this- thanks for listening!

The Best Laid Plans…..God laughs.

I’m going to keep this brief; for now. I’m building up to a bigger blog post. Just not yet.

As I re read last years blog post (2019) I couldn’t help but think “oh how God must have laughed!” thus the title of this post! There is a reason I have not been here for a little over a year. Let’s just say 2019 was not my year. And while I definitely didn’t fold up and wallow- I did question things and I did feel lost for a long while. I think I became a bit like a zombie. I walked, I talked (oh wait…. Z’s aren’t exactly chatty now are they?) I ate, I slept but I don’t think I lived and I don’t think I THOUGHT! I existed. Stick around and you’ll come to find out what the 2019 was like for us.

Anyway, I’ll be back soon with the story. I’m hoping it will be a time of rebirth. I don’t know. All I know is it’s time. I need to figure things out and I’m tired of walking in circles because of certain circumstances that I’ve allowed to define me as a person. I hope you are well. See you in a few. 💜

The one constant, throughout it all, has been my gratitude -yes, even in my darkest moments ….. I was grateful.

A New Year…..will 2019 be THE Year?!

These are a couple of pictures that I took from here in St Augustine! Yes, I am still here and loving every bit of my life! I know I have not been blogging much…at all….but so much has happened in my life over the last two years. I would like to share it all with you, and in time maybe I will, it is not some big secret but I have so much I want to share, who knows what we will talk about!

First things first!! How are YOU?! I hope this year is finding you well. I am doing very well, I am staying busy with my jobs and school and of course….Doug!  Doug keeps me busy….. Speaking of Doug, he is now 62 and still plugging away at Goodyear.  I don’t think he will ever retire.

Okay so I am feeling this is coming off as a yearly Christmas update letter!  Maybe it is, I mean it has been so long since I have been here- I may need to start with an update letter.

Alright so let me finish- mom and dad are doing good! As you know we all bought a house here in St Augustine and moms health has seemed to level out a bit since being here. She seems to be doing much better. Now if I can just convince them of that so they can start doing some traveling. Ya know that was the plan- we buy a place together and they go off traveling and exploring and we hold down the homestead! Good plan! I hope someone offers Doug and I that plan when we are retired! Oh that is IF Doug retires…haha    Anyway, so far they have not gone traveling or exploring our great state in any way!! Join me in prayer, won’t you, that my parents will start enjoying their life! Oh and Dad turns 80 on the 29TH! Wow…….

We have had two additions to the family- Finley (13 months) and Remi (3 months)  As a matter of fact Remi and mommy are here visiting right now! I am blessed.  All the grand kids and kids are doing well.  Oh and the oldest grand baby…Christa…she graduates high school in May!!  Wow…..I’m old. lol

We have been blessed to have my brother and sister (in love) visit twice since we moved here! That has been great! They are in Texas…I know we owe them a visit; but I love it so much here! I don’t wanna leave!  Okay…except for a cruise- I will leave for a cruise!

Speaking of…….. YES, we have a Disney cruise coming up  in 44 days! It has been 6 years since we cruised Disney and we are super excited to be back!  I have been vlogging my trips on my Youtube channel. You can take a peek....here.

I have not begun writing a second book yet; although I have ideas! But before I start my writing I have been led to start another adventure! I think it will help me to continue my walk on this path I have chosen or has been chosen for me…   I have enrolled in the Christian Leaders Institute. I want to pursue a bachelor of divinity and maybe even go further to a master. Ultimately I would love a Master of Theology/Philosophy. That would be a dream come true. I would like to spend the rest of my life researching the word/religion.  If you know me ( and some of you do) you are aware that I have been “searching” for many years….. I seek knowledge, spiritual knowledge, Godly knowledge. This should not be a surprise to anyone who knows me.  I have sought to find an institute of higher education for a long time now, one that is accredited and Christ based. The type of school I was looking for was out there but also very expensive and not all are online. I wanted both of those elements in my education.  In CLI I have found that.

Little side note…… if you follow along you also know I have enrolled in two other programs…these were not Christ based, and as a matter of fact they were very un-Christ…. as a result I was led away from God even though my goal was to be closer connected! This is a whole other issue, which I will be talking about over time, I want to share with everyone the “detour” if you will, that I took in my search! I thank God every day that I found my way through the darkness.

Being a formal/official minister is not something I have ever wanted, and I still am not sure (mostly because I am an introvert by nature) but what I am sure about is that I want to reach others and I want to encourage others to know they are loved, they are worthy and to live their best life! That is all I have ever wanted to do…..heck it is my life purpose!  So I think these studies, leading to a degree in Divinity, will do me well to  reach my life goals!  Whatever they may look like!  We will see where this path leads me.

So there is my update! I hope to be here weekly, especially as my studies progress I hope to have much to talk about!

One thing has not changed….. I remain forever grateful! My days and nights are filled with gratitude- I hope yours are too!

Peace!